Mick Lowe was a world tour surfer from the '90s and '00s. Smart and funny and always smiling beneath the clumsiest, most endearing do-it-yourself haircut ever seen outside a 

 movie. Loads of talent. Occy-level power. Beat Andy Irons in the finals at Snapper one year, and came within an ace of taking out a Pipe Masters. Mick was also husky, and well-endowed around the midsection, and was thus known, not unkindly, as either "Keg with Legs" or "Keg on Legs," take your pick.

We do nicknames, and we do them well. Always have. Those dick-swinging barefoot playboys strumming ukes and giving "surf lessons" (wink wink) to the rich visiting 

 in front of the Royal Hawaiian—they didn't even know each other's real names. It was just "Ho, Steamboat!" or "Eh, Chick!" or "Dat one buggah, Turkey Love!"

I took a stroll around the neighborhood after posting Keg on Legs' EOS page last week, thinking about the arrangement and taxonomy of surfer nicknames, and came up with this starter list.

SCARY ANIMALS: the Bull, the Snake, Bear, Bronco, Beast, Dingo, Kong.

POTENTIALLY SCARY ANIMALS: the Dog, the Cat, the Mongoose, Kanga, Hog.

NOT-SCARY ANIMALS: Seabass, Beaver, Impala, Prawn, Rabbit, Gopher, Sandcrab.

BLACK OR WHITE: White Fijian, Black Knight, White Lightning, Black Butch, Whitey, Blackout.

CHEERFULLY REPELLENT: Grubby, Greasy, Cheese, Smelly, Funky.

MOBBED-UP: Surf Muscle, the Enforcer, and of course Mob.

BIRDS THAT I MYSELF HAVE BEEN SEEN LESS THAN FIVE MILES FROM MY HOUSE: Owl, Hawk, Condor.

HEADSHOTS: Bonehead, Burrhead, Jughead, Panhead, Tiny Brain.

CARTOON CHARACTERS / LESSER SUPERHEROES: Antman, Iceman, Bam-Bam, Mr. X, Enforcer, Skeletor, Daffy, Tarzan.

"Boozer" is my favorite nickname that isn't actually a nickname. The radical OG Huntington Beach goofyfooter was just was straight-up christened John Boozer.

Malibu, our most fecund of surfing locations, not only gave us Tubesteak, that flawless two-syllable pearl of nickname perfection, but also Gidget, the surfer nickname heard 'round the world.

Raging Bull. Yeah it does a bump and grind while leaving your month, but given Mark Occhilupo's sweet disposition, as well as his love of the couch, Ferdinand the Bull would have been a better fit. (Remember 

? Kids' story about the bull who wouldn't fight? Gandhi loved it. Hitler burned it.)

I also gave some thought to famous surfers who 

 have nicknames. In many cases I suppose the nickname finger simply passes over you for no real reason. But there are also those whose bearing and demeanor and reputation are more or less nickname-proof. Lopez and Curren. Tom Blake. The Duke. Their halos burn a little brighter than your average Hall of Famer. A little too bright, maybe. You may love and revere these surfers, but you will not easily imagine splitting a pizza with them, or watching the game on Sunday at their place. On the other hand, Heineken-scented flecks of Wayne Rabbit Muhammad Bugsy Malone Bartholomew's spittle landed upon my cheeks and glasses as he leaned in, gripped my shoulder, and scream-laughed a punchline at me during a North Shore house party in the winter of 1988. I barely knew the man. That kind of episode is scientifically proven to be 50-times more likely to happen while talking to a nicknamed surfer, than one without.

A LOVESONG TO SURFER NICKNAMES: HERE'S TO YOU, HAWK, PRAWN, BRONCO, DINGO, ETC

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